I don’t think I’m the best thing after slice bread anymore 😔

Sisi Eko vs The Federal Government

Jun 12, 2025

don’t even know where to start, but one thing is clear: NYSC has humbled me.

You see, I’m a Lagos babe🥹born, bred, and stress-averse. I already told everybody that there’s no way I’d be posted to any “bush.” Please, have you seen my NYSC passport photo? It was giving Instagram baddie with a federal purpose. I wore new clothes , added lip gloss, and even did my edges. Lagos or nothing, I said.

And NYSC said, “Oh you think you have a say in this? Hold my zobo.”

First red flag? A bird pooped on my box at 5:30am. Like this was not even metaphorical. I was dragging my box out of the house when one village bird dropped its breakfast on my bag. I should have known. That was the warning sign. But I wiped it, hissed, and said, “God forbid. I reject it.”

Ah. If only rejection worked like that.

😭😭😭

Got to the park. All of us were lowkey confused with excitement 😐 yes 😭 opened my call-up letter like I was revealing baby gender. Instead of blue or pink, I saw one name that looked like password and captcha combined.

I tried to pronounce it three times. My tongue gave up. I passed it to the woman beside me.

“Aunty, where be this place?”

She squinted, looked at me with pity and said, “Hmm. You strong o.”

Strong???

Not beautiful. Not lucky. Not even, “Oh it’s nice there.” No. STRONG.

That’s how I knew my ancestors were sleeping when this letter was printed.

😔😔😔

We entered bus. Journey started. Everybody was trying to act normal. Then, one uncle at the back started groaning. At first, we thought he was sick. Until he shouted:

“Driver! Abeg stop, I wan shit!!!”

Before we could blink, the man dropped a fart so demonic, my soul left my body briefly. And did I mention we were in an AC bus? Closed windows. Frozen oxygen. My God. 😭

I grabbed my hoodie like it was PPE, wrapped it round my nose and just prayed for deliverance. Someone behind legit said, “Abeg make he poop for nylon if e no fit hold am.”

NYSC, is this your plan for me?

God 😔😭

Eventually, we stopped at a roadside “restaurant.” I hadn’t eaten. My vision was already blurry. I saw jollof rice steaming. The aroma entered my spirit. Price? ₦5,500. For rice that looked like it came with prayer points. But hunger said: “We die here.” So I bought it.

While eating, the same fart uncle ran to the toilet like it was his destiny. People were laughing. And to crown it, one grandpa at the back was FaceTiming his grandkids, showing them the bus, his seat, the road like it was a vlog.

“See grandpa o! Grandpa dey travel o!”

Oga. Respect your age, abeg. Aran kan mi 🙄🙄🙄

I just sat there, chewing onions with rice, wondering if this was how people end up in silent retreats.

😔

Fast-forward to now. It’s 10pm. I’m still on the road. Still haven’t reached. I’m in a bus heading to a place I can’t spell, can’t pronounce, and probably can’t even locate on the map. And guess what? The driver is over-speeding because, in his words, “I miss my wife.”

Sir. Is it love or obituary you’re rushing to?

We’re in a town where I look like everybody, (Oyinbo pepper)but I understand absolutely nothing. These people don’t want to hear English. I’ve been saying “Biko,” “Dalu,” and “Chai” all day like I’m auditioning for Nollywood village role. I just nod and smile, praying I don’t mistakenly agree to marry somebody.

And to think I still haven’t reached camp yet. I’m tired. I miss my soft bed. I miss actual toilets. I miss my man. 😩

But in the midst of all this rogbodiyan😔😭, I’m glad I can still write to you in real time. By the next update, you’ll either find me thriving and eating mami market rice or crying while bathing with sachet water

Either way, just know that Sisi Eko is fighting for her life in the village 😔

I'm off to another land now. Please take care of my boyfriend. Don't compliment his fresh haircut-look away. If he smells good, wear a nose mask. May your eyes be disciplined.

Writing to you feels like gist night with zobo and chinchin. Thank you for loving my letters. Everything sweetens when I know it's you I'm telling these madnesses to.