From the Desk of Heaven’s Favourite Babe

Today, my soul turns one more page

Hey besties,

It’s my birthday.

Again.

Yes, the earth has completed another orbit around my anointed self and I didn’t die, run mad or end up in one man’s “it’s not you, it’s me” group chat.

What a win.

So, to celebrate, I thought I’d write a little something 🙈not just because I’m cute and poetic, but because my life is now so soft, spicy and occasionally unserious, it deserves public documentation.

If I had ₦1,000 for every time someone told me, “You’re still young, enjoy life,” I’d have bought a plot of land in Banana Island and built a mansion strictly for throwing shade and eating sweet soft bread in peace.

I’ve spent over two decades on this chaotic earth, and here’s what I’ve learned: life is not balanced, Nigerian landlords are wicked, and sometimes love will humble you like NEPA bill.

Let’s Start with the Obvious: My Life Is Not Normal🤷🏽‍♀️

I don’t mean that in a “life is hard, pray for me” kind of way.

No.

I mean God is obsessed with me and shows it loudly🥺❤️

Small discomfort? Next thing, angels are moving things around like set designers on a Netflix show.

I miss a bus?

Somebody offers me a ride with AC, WiFi and biscuit.

My landlord threatens me?

Next week, he’s the one begging me to renew.

And yes all of this is real🙈❤️

Not skit. Not fiction. Just me, existing with main character favour.

🚩 But Let’s Talk About the Love Life Since You’re Here😔

So there’s this person.

I love him, unfortunately.

He?

He’s… you know… “figuring himself out.”

As in he still magnetically attracted to girls “link in bio” babes and he still accidentally falls into his ex’s bed every third Thursday😊

Me? I’m sending Bible verses and calling him “love.”

He? He’s sending “wyd” texts at 11:58pm like God didn’t warn him about judgment.

And somehow, I still love him.

(But also? I’ve quietly handed him over to Jesus and blocked him on one platform. Balance.)

Because one thing about me?

I will be delusional AND favoured.

I’m not stressed sha.

Because if he goes, better will come.

If he stays, he’ll eventually join midweek service and delete his ex’s number.

Either way, I win.

Anywayyyyy🎂 This Birthday, I’m Not Just Growing 😊I’m Glowing Dangerously

With all this madness?

I'm still fine.

Still funny.

Still serving looks with my broken screen and unshakable faith in Master Jesus .

The world is burning, but I've learned to dance around the fire.

Because one thing about me?

I go chop life, even if it's by stress.

So yes, stuff dey gwan.

But guess what? I'm gwan-ing too. With small sense, big yansh, and one functional power bank that I’ve used cello-tape to wrap 🙈

Sooo as we all know 🙈

My bumbum is bigger.

My skin is brighter.

My edges are growing faster than my bank account.

I don’t chase.

I attract.

I sit, and favour locates me like Eve located the apple 😘❤️

People keep asking,

“How are you so calm?”

I’m not calm, darling. I’m carried.

This birthday? I didn’t even plan much.

I just woke up, looked in the mirror and whispered:

“Soft life has entered my bone marrow.”

📌 A Few Things I’ve Learned Since Last Year:

1. Never beg a man to behave. You’re not his pastor. Even his pastor is tired.

2. When you feel down, just sleep. Half of your problems are tiredness and bad WiFi.

3. Don’t compete. The grace on your life is not sold in bulk.

4. If God shows you favour, don’t ask Him to make it subtle. Shine. Blind people.

5. Be the kind of babe your village people avoid out of respect. That’s me.

💌 Final Birthday Note to All My Readers:

To those watching me silently 💜

I love you. But I’m not slowing down.

Keep watching.

To those who envy me

Join me in prayer. There’s space in God’s Close Friends.

To those who think I’m doing too much —

Come and carry the grace. Let’s see how you’ll behave.

And to the man I may or may not be in love with:

Keep playing with fire. If thunder doesn’t get you, my angels will send small malaria as a warning.

To myself?

Babe, you’ve survived madness.

You’ve glowed through nonsense.

You’ve laughed at Lagos wahala and turned it into content.

You’re not just growing older.

You’re becoming dangerously fine, disturbingly favoured, and spiritually untouchable.

So happy birthday to me , Jola baby 😍😘

Heaven’s favourite babe,

Earth’s softest problem,

And your fave Substack girl with God on speed dial.

🧁 If you read this and smiled, share it. If you read this and hissed, rest. This is not your season. My own is active.

Love,

Your Birthday Babe Who Can’t Suffer Even If She Tries™ 💅🏾